Non sequitur Patience

I like to think I am a patient person. I don’t honk when someone cuts me off on traffic; I wait for the kids in my Sunday school class to quiet down without asking more than once; I’m fine if it takes an extra day for the car to get fixed than was promised. But when it comes to things that I really care about, things that somehow feel like a reflection or even extension of who I am? Yea, I definitely am a “git ‘er done” gal than a patient party pal. I tap my foot with crossed arms in this season of seeing friends have second kids, jealousy of jobs that can stay at work, celebration of how God is showing up in what seems like everyone else’s life. I struggle with this idea of waiting for God’s timing because my theology doesn’t quite know what to do with a God who has perfect timing for good when there are some many injustices and people with free will making a big ol’ mess out of the world He called good. How can a God who has truly given creation free will have a plan for how things are going to work out? If God knows what will happen, why do we pray and ask for things? How can I patiently wait for God’s perfect timing for a child when the reality of our fallen nature is that I can’t bear children? And if it was God’s plan all along for us to adopt, does that mean it was part of His plan for my body to not do what so many other people’s do? Something in this line of thinking doesn’t add up and while there are larger theological issues underlying my beliefs and questions, I’m still trying to convince myself I’m patient. 

But what if being patient or waiting isn’t trusting? What if truly trusting God’s plan means going out into the water of the great unknown? How do I know that I’m not giving into my desires and hopes and allowing them to supersede whatever trust means? The great enemy of “what-ifs” sneaks in and takes my focus from the God who gives grace and peace and redirects it to my anxiety and lie that I’ll never quite have it figured out enough to belong. The lie that patience will continue to elude me until all my ducks are in a row. Waffling between trying to figure out how I could be disobeying by staying or not being patient by leaving. 

Which is it? Am I being disobedient by staying in a job that heightens my anxiety and I know doesn’t create the kind of reaction as a wife and boss and society member that is reflecting God’s character? Or am I being disobedient by leaving because this job is what is providing the finances for us to be able to adopt and unless I rely on God to help change my attitude, I will run into this in any job I’m at in the future? Does trusting God means that I’m trusting him to lead the outlook shift or finances for adoption? Can it be both? How long does that mean? How long will it take to find patience? 

So here’s a logic statement for all you smarties out there:

A. If I am patient, then I am trusting God

B. I am not patient

C. Therefore, I do not trust God

Therein lies my non sequitur logical fallacy of “denying the antecedent.” Just because I am not patient, doesn’t mean I don’t trust God. He can handle my questions. He won’t abandon me in my uncertainty. He is a God who walks beside us and somehow gives us what we need at the right time, while letting us choose our future. And I do choose to trust, even when I am impatient. 

This post isn’t nearly as eloquent or tied together as my previous ones. Probably not material to be pulled together for a sermon or win any Pulitzer Prize or spark a great debate. And that’s ok, I keep telling the critic in me.  Life’s too short to be missing cat videos.